I just read an article of Naomi Wolf's that I found online at the New York Times a couple of days ago. The title is "Mommy, I Want To Be a Princess," and, I'm not going to lie, I was prepared to hate it. Skimming the article, it seemed like she was defending the girlie-girl princess culture that so many young girls are obsessed with these days (for more on that, check out Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein). Plus, I must be honest, I think part of my preparation to hate this essay was because I was momentarily confusing Naomi Wolf with Katie Roiphe (even I can't keep track of all the feminists I like or dislike all the time!). But still, I have a lot of problems with the princess culture of today, and I was not very interested in reading a defense of that.
However, the article doesn't totally defend princess culture. For one, she is talking more about young girls' fascination with real princesses (such as Kate Middleton and Princess Di) than she is about the obsession with Disney princesses. She talks about how modern-day princesses do do a lot of work, and she praises how these women in particular have brought together the classes of Britain, showing that a princess doesn't have to be snobby and unattainable.
But she does also touch on the Disney princess culture, and that's where she lost me. She says that "they are busy being the heroines of their own lives." Now, there are some Disney princess who just completely rock. Mulan? Yes! She fights in a war, keeps her identity concealed, and saves China. Awesome. And Anastasia kills Rasputin, which we know is really really hard to do. But then she says that Cinderella's glass slipper "fits because she is nice to little creatures." I'm just not buying it. The shoe was made (created, magicked, choose your verb) for her; of course it fits! And what about the princesses that Wolf fails to mention? Let's recap*:
Ariel: her entire plotline centers around her pining for a man she has never spoken to, and she literally gives away her voice in order to win him over (check out this funny video about her)
Snow White: cleans up after everyone and loves it all the time, and is just really, really pretty.
Belle: she's a little more complicated; after all, she reads and stands her own against a scary man (beast), but she could also be seen as being in an abusive relationship in the hopes of making a change (as discussed in this hilarious video).
Sleeping Beauty: Do I even need to say anything? It's in her name.
Jasmine: Also a little complicated. After all, I applaud her desire to get out of the castle walls and experience adventure, but that desire seems to come more out of boredom from a pampered life. After all, she seems pretty content to be back in the castle after she's gone out and found a husband.
**One princess who is a little more interesting is Pocahontas, but she's usually left out of the "Disney Princess" category; whether she doesn't count because she's Native American, or because she's not ever wearing a frilly dress, I'm not sure.
I didn't hate Wolf's article as I expected to. But I still think her defense of princess culture and obsession is a little shallow. After all, little girls aren't often exploring the charitable acts and philanthropy of today's modern princesses. They are looking at women (powerful women, yes) with pretty dresses and fairy-tale weddings, because that is what their TVs and computers are telling them to look at. Even when the princesses are doing good deeds and real work, if our media is blinding young girls with shiny dresses, money and "perfect" weddings, what are they going to see and admire at the end of the day?
*I would like to say that while I understand all the problems with many of the Disney princesses and their stories, I still love most of the movies. What can I say? I grew up with red hair, and when I went swimming I would go underwater to try to make my hair flow around my head like Ariel's did. Those movies are a part of my childhood, and I just can't turn my back on them completely.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Her Obligation, His Choice: Raising the Kids
"It doesn't make sense that only women are saying 'How can I combine career and family?'"
I heard Gloria Steinem say this in an interview today. First of all, I would love for her to be the next President. Just saying. She's awesome.
But anyway, this is such a great statement. Today we still don't think of men as responsible for childcare. Yes, there are more men choosing to stay home with the kids, but pay attention to the key word: choosing. For many women, staying home is not a choice. It's a practicality and an assumption; daycare is too expensive, so someone has to stay home, and many families assume that someone will be the mother.
Recently, having a conversation with a soon-to-married friend of mine, he was joking around about his future wife staying home with the kids. I asked him, "Well why don't you take the time off and stay with the kids?" He said "Done! That would be awesome!" He made it sound like a vacation, something exciting. And yes, many people love, love, love, staying home to raise the kids, and I'm not knocking it, but no one who has done it would say it is easy. It is difficult, exhausting, all-day unpaid work. And while men may see this (before they do it) as a vacation from work, a year off, a choice they can make or not, too many women deal with it as work, as an obligation, as a choice they didn't get to make.
My mom often talks about what it was like for her when she and my dad were still married. He helped with us a lot; she often had friends mention how impressed they were with his involvement. But he always expected to be thanked. This shows that he fell into the same trap of thinking that raising the kids was just women's work. She was expected to do it; if he deigned to do it, he should be rewarded. Her obligation, his choice.
I don't mean to say that this makes my dad a bad father or anything like that. This is just a personal example of how these cultural assumptions really affect our personal lives. We have to stop seeing stay-at-home dads as these wonderful, self-sacrificing people who are giving up on a (masculine) career to be a (feminine) stay-at-home parent. Or rather, we should start seeing all stay-at-home moms as the wonderful, self-sacrificing people who are giving up on a career to do very real work at home with their children. All stay-at-home parents are sacrificing a portion of their lives for their children, and they all deserve equal credit.
Penises don't make men better parents; they shouldn't get them more praise either.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The. Most. Important. Day: "It's My Day!" Part Two
In August, I wrote a post about my problems with the cultural traditions surrounding the modern wedding, and the traditions of it being "the bride's day" and all that. I discussed the problem with all the focus on one person (the bride) instead of on the partnership of two people.
Last night, I had a bit of a revelation about this. Now, I don't remember exactly how my train of thought got there; I was out at the bar with some friends, one of whom is engaged and was talking about the planning of his wedding. I was thinking, as I so often do, about my plan to skip the whole wedding tradition and just go to city hall with whomever I choose to marry, and throw a big party later for all of our friends. And a thought crossed through my mind (I admit, I had been drinking wine, so the exact thought escapes me) that went something like this: Do I really want the most important day of my life to happen in city hall with just a few witnesses?
That's when I got it. The attitude of "It's My Day," the thinking of a woman needing one day to feel like a princess, to feel like the most important woman in the room, all stems back to the idea that for women, your wedding is supposed to be The. Most. Important. Day. Of. Your. Life. This idea is ingrained into us girls and women by our culture and the people around us.
Well, pardon me, but fuck that! I have had, and will have, a lot of important days in my life. Graduating college? Yeah. Getting promoted from intern to managing editor? Awesome! Night I met my current boyfriend? Pretty good, too.
Of course, a lot of this stems back to a time when a wedding was the most important day of a woman's life, because it meant financial security and status. And while we all love to say we've moved on, these assumptions and beliefs still follow us around. How many movies have we seen where the woman who is "always a bridesmaid but never a bride" is sad and lonely? She may have a great job, she may have great friends and a social life, she may be (probably is) super hot (Hollywood-standards hot, of course) but she is not married, so she must be incomplete and inferior. (This is one thing I liked in the movie Bridesmaids; sure, Annie's lack of a relationship is part of her sadness, but most of it stems from her failings in her career; she's not trying to get married, she's just trying to get her life together.)
And, again, the focus on it being the most important day for a woman, and for a relationship, takes the focus away from the partnership. Recently, my boyfriend pointed out that he thinks the way wedding anniversaries are counted is weird. "Why do they start over at the wedding? Does the relationship before the wedding, the months and years together before that one day, not count anymore?" It's an interesting thought. I do get the wedding anniversary thing; it's the date that you officially started a life together, and made that commitment to stay together and move forward as a pair. But it's interesting to think about, especially when so many relationships blur those lines these days. Some people talk about getting married way before they are officially engaged. Some live together for years before walking down the aisle. Some have children before getting married. The traditional way of counting the "years together" may not fit many relationships anymore. And the wedding may or may not be, or feel like, the most important milestone anymore. I can certainly imagine that after living with someone for months or years, the wedding/marriage may feel more like tying up loose ends and bringing everything together than embarking on a huge new step.
So with all this cultural change and blurring of the lines toward commitment, why is there still such a focus on the bride's day as the biggest day of her life? Is it because we haven't caught up to the changes in women's lives? Is it because the larger culture refuses to accept that some women have more important plans and milestones in their lives than marriage?
What do you think?
Last night, I had a bit of a revelation about this. Now, I don't remember exactly how my train of thought got there; I was out at the bar with some friends, one of whom is engaged and was talking about the planning of his wedding. I was thinking, as I so often do, about my plan to skip the whole wedding tradition and just go to city hall with whomever I choose to marry, and throw a big party later for all of our friends. And a thought crossed through my mind (I admit, I had been drinking wine, so the exact thought escapes me) that went something like this: Do I really want the most important day of my life to happen in city hall with just a few witnesses?
That's when I got it. The attitude of "It's My Day," the thinking of a woman needing one day to feel like a princess, to feel like the most important woman in the room, all stems back to the idea that for women, your wedding is supposed to be The. Most. Important. Day. Of. Your. Life. This idea is ingrained into us girls and women by our culture and the people around us.
Well, pardon me, but fuck that! I have had, and will have, a lot of important days in my life. Graduating college? Yeah. Getting promoted from intern to managing editor? Awesome! Night I met my current boyfriend? Pretty good, too.
Of course, a lot of this stems back to a time when a wedding was the most important day of a woman's life, because it meant financial security and status. And while we all love to say we've moved on, these assumptions and beliefs still follow us around. How many movies have we seen where the woman who is "always a bridesmaid but never a bride" is sad and lonely? She may have a great job, she may have great friends and a social life, she may be (probably is) super hot (Hollywood-standards hot, of course) but she is not married, so she must be incomplete and inferior. (This is one thing I liked in the movie Bridesmaids; sure, Annie's lack of a relationship is part of her sadness, but most of it stems from her failings in her career; she's not trying to get married, she's just trying to get her life together.)
And, again, the focus on it being the most important day for a woman, and for a relationship, takes the focus away from the partnership. Recently, my boyfriend pointed out that he thinks the way wedding anniversaries are counted is weird. "Why do they start over at the wedding? Does the relationship before the wedding, the months and years together before that one day, not count anymore?" It's an interesting thought. I do get the wedding anniversary thing; it's the date that you officially started a life together, and made that commitment to stay together and move forward as a pair. But it's interesting to think about, especially when so many relationships blur those lines these days. Some people talk about getting married way before they are officially engaged. Some live together for years before walking down the aisle. Some have children before getting married. The traditional way of counting the "years together" may not fit many relationships anymore. And the wedding may or may not be, or feel like, the most important milestone anymore. I can certainly imagine that after living with someone for months or years, the wedding/marriage may feel more like tying up loose ends and bringing everything together than embarking on a huge new step.
So with all this cultural change and blurring of the lines toward commitment, why is there still such a focus on the bride's day as the biggest day of her life? Is it because we haven't caught up to the changes in women's lives? Is it because the larger culture refuses to accept that some women have more important plans and milestones in their lives than marriage?
What do you think?
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