I had a conversation with a friend recently who said that women are better off in this world. Now, I don't think he was being totally serious; I know he recognizes the institutional discrimination that women often face. But he was being serious about the ways in which he thinks women are better off, and he was using them as examples in a larger discussion about women, childcare, and staying home vs. working outside the home. These are the ways he said women are better off:
1. We are not usually expected to carry heavy things. Even when people recognize that we can and will, we are more likely to not be asked to do it unless we volunteer first.
2. Women can get out of work with a menstrual cramps excuse.
3. Men don't have the option of paternity leave.
I can't remember if he had more, but we'll deal with these for now.
1. It's true and unfair, and let's be honest: I'm pretty much fine with it. I don't like carrying heavy things (especially in Mississippi heat). Honestly, I'm not a big fan of tons of physical activity outside of my gym workouts (those take enough mental motivation, thank you very much). I recognize that the burden of carrying heavy things falls to the men around me, but I also recognize that the men around me are stronger than me. It doesn't mean that all men are stronger than all women; but men and women do have strength in different parts of their body, and I personally have very little strength anywhere. Because I recognize that it's unfair, I'll try to volunteer or ask if my help is needed, but at the first sign of an out ("Oh no I've got it."), I'll take it and not complain. Sorry guys. If you do want my help, ask; if not, awesome.
2. I hate this reasoning. I've only worked in one office setting, and while I maybe could go to my boss saying "I'm really having terrible cramps today, I need to head out/work from home today," I never would. There is no way I'm going to talk to my boss about my cramps, and I would feel way too guilty to use that as a fake excuse when I'm not actually having cramps. If I were having cramps that were truly keeping me from concentrating at work, I would simply ask to head home because of not feeling well. And feeling sick is an excuse anyone can use. And while some women may use the cramps excuse, that doesn't automatically mean their boss will give in to it, just like saying you aren't feeling well isn't a guaranteed Free Trip Home Card. Some bosses may let you go, some may tell you to suck it up, but they are going to do that for everyone.
3. Also true and unfair, and let's be honest: It needs to be fixed. Parental leave in the US needs an overhaul. We need paid maternity and paternity leave for all new parents. Society also needs to get with the picture. I know that even in places where paternity leave is offered, men are often looked down upon by their peers if they actually take it. Too often, it's seen as something that their wives should be doing (assuming, of course, that they have wives, another problem). And taking leave in general is often considered a career mistake, for both men and women. Women without children get paid more than women with children. And when someone drops out of the workforce for a year or more, it's often seen as setting them back, putting them behind their peers who have stayed in the workforce.
There are often other reasons that men will use to say that women are better off: better and multiple orgasms (I'm also totally fine with this one), more clothing options, a society more accepting of fluid sexuality for women than for men, etc. I found this reason online:
No one can tell by looking at a woman’s pretty face, that she might actually be feeling horrible inside. That is the beauty of being a woman. She can totally be feeling under the weather and yet have the ability to make herself look like a pretty blossom. Whereas when the men are feeling down, they make sure the message is conveyed well and proper by the looks on their faces.
(We'll just ignore the condescending "woman's pretty face" comment, and we'll ignore the fact that what they are calling "the beauty of being a woman" is actually the burden of being socialized as a woman and being taught to stay quiet, obedient and under control, and that men "make sure the message is conveyed" because they've been taught that they can and should. I could start a whole new post on this comment alone, but we're gonna leave it for now.)
These reasons for women being better off than men really bother me, though, because they distract from the larger conversation. A guy bringing up these small reasons usually says to me that they are not taking the conversation with me seriously (because who can really equate "not having to carry heavy things" with "consistently getting paid less for equal work") or that they are totally unaware of the true inequalities that women face and are not interested in hearing about them. When I'm interrupted in a conversation about inequality with a comment or a joke about multiple orgasms, I'm being silenced. I'm being told, by way of putting a joke ahead of what I'm trying to say, that I need to lighten up, that things aren't that bad, that women and men are just trading off different privileges. I would still gladly trade many of these for a true lack of discrimination in the workplace, for being paid the same salary/wage as a man in an equal position, and for the constant possibility of rape and sexual violence to be (almost completely) eliminated. I would trade the option of choosing between a skirt and pants without being seen as a cross-dresser for the ability to walk into a job interview and know that my gender is not going to influence how I am judged as a legitimate job candidate.
Any guys want to trade places with me for a day? Let's do it, and see if you think women are truly better off than men.
