The Problem of Sex Euphemisms

There are the metaphors your parents used: The birds and the bees. Rounding the bases. Going all the way.

There are the metaphors your friends used: Get some. Get it in. Make it. The in and out. Get laid. Bump and grind. Do it. Get busy.

There are the metaphors that imply male domination and leave out the woman's agency and/or desire (though these can also be used by women to leave out the man, it just happens less often): Bang. Nail. Screw. Pound. Mount. Get into one's pants. Getting some ass.



Now, before I begin explaining the problems with some of these metaphors, let me say that I am not against using euphemisms for sex. They can be fun, convenient (and funny) when in a public place, and downright gross/hilarious/both. Even trying to come up with more for that intro, I had fun going through a website with a ton of euphemisms listed. But the intention of the post is to explain the problem that arises when most (or all) of our sex conversations revolve around euphemisms that explain nothing about the mechanics, pleasures, and/or risks of having sex.

I was fairly sheltered from sex growing up. As I've expressed before, I knew very little to nothing about female masturbation and female pleasure during sex. I also knew very little about the act of sex itself. Hearing people talk about different bases confused me. For one thing, I've heard more than one variation on what each base is.

The Bases of Sex, A: 1st base = making out, 2nd base = heavy petting above the waist, 3rd base = heavy petting below the waist (I'm assuming this was another way of saying hand jobs and the like), 4th base = sex.

The Bases of Sex, B: 1st base = making out, 2nd base= heavy petting above and below the waist, 3rd base = oral sex, 4th base = intercourse.

The Bases of Sex, C: 1st base = heavy petting above the waist, 2nd base = heavy petting below the waist, 3rd base = oral sex, 4th base = intercourse.

In the first version, the one I was most familiar with growing up, oral sex isn't even mentioned. Where does it fit in? Do we count it as sex, or do we count it as 3rd base? Many of my friends and I still don't agree on this (and if we can't define sex, how can we define our boundaries or our desires?).

Now, the variations between these different versions seem fairly small, but they can also very big consequences. Imagine a girl who only knows to know talk about sex (or who is only comfortable talking about sex) within the baseball euphemism. Maybe she tells the guy she's on a date with that she doesn't want to go beyond second base. What's his definition for 2nd base? What's hers? What if his definition goes "too far" for what she meant to agree to? Or, what if her definition goes too far for him?

When most of our conversations, especially those we have with young children and teens, are spoken in this sort of code, we are doing our children a huge disservice. Having a talk about the birds and bees says nothing about men and women (and doesn't make any sense!!!). Telling your daughters (or sons) not to go beyond a certain base may leave them uncertain about what happens at that "base," or what the possibilities and risks are at later "bases."

Many people are saying that parents should teach their young children the proper names for their body parts (penis, vagina) instead of euphemisms (tallywacker [the one my dad was taught], private place) so that they can better understand and speak up if/when they have been violated. How can you tell your parents you've been molested if you're just a three-year-old with a pee-wee?

This same logic should apply to how we discuss sex with children and teens. We should be explaining what sex is, how it works, how it's good and how it's risky. We should explain pleasurable alternatives to sex (my mother once told my sister that "mutual masturbation" was the safest bet; we're still working out what exactly she meant by this but we've narrowed it down to two theories).

If you don't want your teen ending up with an unwanted pregnancy or an STD, they need to understand what it actually means to round the bases and go all the way. Euphemisms are only fun when you actually know what they're explaining.

Let's be honest: phrases like "fill the cream donut" and "part the pink sea" are only funny (and disgusting) when you know exactly what they're describing.