Since I don't have cable, I am not always up-to-date on what's going on in the world. But even I have heard about the newest Newt Gingrich controversy: that he supposedly asked his wife to join in an open marriage. I think this story being mauled over by the media is ridiculous, for several reasons.
First, I've always thought that political campaigns go too far in discussing private aspects of a candidate's life. I personally don't care if a candidate is "God-fearing" or has "American values" (especially since these so-called "values" probably differ from person to person). No, I don't want a president (or senator, or representative, etc.) to be a crook who has spent his life embezzling money. But the way he has conducted himself in the business world, as a professional, should absolutely be something the voting public knows about. Who the candidate chooses to have sex with, or how, is not the public's business. If the candidate once smoked a joint as a teenager, who cares? (These days, you'd be hard pressed to find a candidate for office who hasn't.) So, whether or not Newt Gingrich actually asked his wife for an open marriage, it's none of my business, and it's none of yours. That's between him, his wife, and whomever he was wanting to open up the marriage for.
Second, the media treatment of this issue makes one thing very clear: an open marriage is sinful and terrible. Now, I know it might be too much of me to ask this country to be a little more open-minded when it comes to sex and relationships, but I'm raising the bar, and asking it anyway. I'm sure most people don't really know what an open marriage means; they probably think of it as a "free pass" for a man to cheat. But that's not what an open marriage, or an open relationship, is. It is a relationship in which two people are in love and compatible, but are having trouble meeting each other's sexual needs (maybe because one partner is on the road a lot, or one partner wants more sex than the other, or one partner is kinky and the other is not). The couple doesn't want to break up; everything else about the relationship works well. So they choose an open relationship. This means that one or both partners have expressed permission to sleep with others. The couple can set any kinds of rules they need to in order to preserve their relationship (only x number of partners, only when one partner is out of town, all extra-marital sex should involve condoms and other safety precautions, no ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends allowed, etc.). The possibilities for how an open relationship is conducted are literally endless, and every couple does it differently. (For more on open relationships, you should check out Dan Savage's advice column Savage Love, in which he often discusses the highs and lows of open relationships. And always, look here for Dan's thoughts on Newt Gingrich.)
What I think bothers most people about open relationships is that they are built, they are founded, on the idea that monogamy doesn't work for everyone. This is not what we're taught growing up. We are taught that we will find that one special person to spend the rest of our lives with. We are taught to ignore the rising divorce rate and plan to be married forever. We are taught that loving someone is enough to make a relationship (or sex) work. No one prepares us to fall totally in love with someone, and then discover that the sex with them isn't that great. No one prepares us to fall totally in love with someone whose sex drive is much higher or lower than our own. And no one tells us the answer to keeping our relationship or marriage happy and functioning just might involve looking outside the relationship.
Now, as I said earlier, I don't stay completely up-to-date on the news. There's a lot about Newt Gingrich that I don't know, and there's a lot that I've heard but don't know if it's true. I know he has had more than one wife, and I think he has been accused of cheating and having affairs. I think I've heard about him leaving a wife while she was receiving treatment for cancer. I know very, very little about his policies or his platform promises for becoming president. I am not supporting him in the current election. And it's important to point out that there are plenty of ways to do an open relationship badly (like cheating first and asking for permission later, which might be what Gingrich is accused of). But I do think that it is sad and embarrassing that our media is demonizing him simply for supposedly having asked for an open marriage, instead of attacking him on political and professional grounds. And I think his response in a recent debate, in which he pointed out how unprofessional it was to begin a political debate with a question about his marital past, was absolutely appropriate.
But most of all, I'm very sad that through Newt Gingrich, open relationships are gaining nothing but more bad press.
No comments:
Post a Comment