I was listening to Dan Savage's (sex and relationship advice columnist and star/host of the new MTV show Savage U) most recent podcast and a caller wanted to know if he (the caller) had been raped. His story was of a girl with whom he had a sexual history taking advantage of him and having sex with him when he was blackout drunk and she was sober. And, it should be noted, he had made it clear to her prior to this incident that their sexual relationship was over and that he was no longer interested in seeing her. So in his answer, Dan discusses the gray area that he believes exists and doesn't get talked about in the realm of sexual violation.
Dan's opinion is that people have experiences, negative experiences, that leave them feeling violated but that aren't necessarily rape. And I think, though I've never spoken to him, that he is defining rape in this context as a "you could and should report to the police and pursue an arrest/conviction for the perpetrator" situation. So he's saying that there are situations that lead to feelings of violation, feelings of being taken advantage of, that don't necessarily mean the other person involved is a criminal because of what happened.
He also said that he doesn't understand what good it does (in some cases, not all) for people to label a situation like this as rape. For example, he told the guy who called that he could label it rape, he was well within the general definition to do so, but he didn't understand what good that would do. For one thing, as a male victim, reporting to the police would most likely not be taking seriously.
My first reaction to this is, "No, Dan, we just got the FBI to expand the definition of rape; don't try to lessen it for us!" But, at the same time, I understand what he means about experiences that may leave you feeling violated but not leave you feeling like the victim of a crime.
However, I wonder, is this because the gray area exists, or because our society has convinced us to see certain types of sexual experiences as okay, or even just unpleasant, but not to see them as rape. Is it just another symptom of rape culture that we discuss this gray area? Or is it just a more nuanced way of looking at sexual experience (as opposed to consensual, good sex vs. non-consensual rape)?
I know a woman who once got extremely drunk at a friend's house. A guy was there with whom she had had a friends-with-benefits relationship. Drunk, feeling sick, and not interested in anything but sleep, she excused herself from the party and headed into one of the spare bedrooms to pass out. (I think she also went to the bathroom to throw up first.) The last thing she remembers is this guy, with whom she had hooked up previously but with whom she had no interest in hooking up that night, crawling into the bed with her and starting to make out with her. I don't remember what he said to her, but I know her responses were along the lines of, "What? I got sick" and other drunk, sleepy, confused responses. She woke up with her underwear on, so she's pretty sure intercouse didn't happen (she doesn't think she would have put underwear back on after if it had, since she was so incapacitated). But she doesn't remember what did happen. She doesn't know how much happened. She doesn't know if anything happened. And because she never talked to him about it later, she'll never know.
Now, I'm using this example for a reason. I know this woman did not consider herself to have been raped. I also know this woman felt uncomfortable about what had happened. She felt violated. She felt disgusted with this guy, whom she had known so well and for so long, for taking advantage of her drunken state. She felt scared and bothered by the fact that she had some kind of sexual experience with no real consent and no memory of it. At the time, I told her that she had been raped, period the end. But can you really say that when you don't know what happened at all? She'd been taken advantage of, that's for sure, but that's all we really know. (I did advise her to talk to the guy, not in an accusatory way, but just to ask what happened, but I don't think she ever did; honestly, I think she wanted to move and never deal with it again. And if that's what she wanted to do, then who am I to tell her to do differently?) So how can we go about defining this experience?
Feminists always talk about consent, and that the lack of "no" doesn't mean "yes." And I agree with that. If you're hooking up with someone, and you move your hand somewhere, and they don't push it away, but they also don't seem to like it, you might want to check in before continuing. And asking if someone likes something, or how they want you to do it, can still be sexy; it doesn't have to be awkwardly asking for permission. And yet, I can understand how a person can find themselves in a situation where, after the fact, they find out that their partner didn't want something done and didn't voice it, and they truly didn't know that what they did wasn't okay with their partner.
Let's be honest. It can be hard to say no, especially, but not only, in a relationship with someone (be it a committed relationship, friends-with-benefits relationship or any other situation in which you find yourself having sex with someone you know well and are generally comfortable with). You're used to each other, you're past the point of nervously initiating sex, you're used to trying new things, and suddenly someone wants sex when you don't feel like it, or wants to try something that you're not interested in or ready for. It can be hard to say no. You don't want to disappoint them. And I do wonder, in this kind of situation, in the kind of situation like the example above, does the other partner's unawareness of your discomfort when you don't say anything automatically move them into the rape area?
I'm really struggling with this concept. The first thing that comes to mind when someone says "rape" is a man (sorry, it is still statistically true, as well as the common image our society gives us) trying to touch/have sex with a woman, her clearly saying no, and him continuing anyway, forcefully if necessary. But I know that rape doesn't only occur in this way. I know the power dynamics between the two can affect how one may react (like an employee not feeling able to say no to a boss). The use of a weapon and threats can keep someone from saying no.
Can we say that how the person feels about the situation is enough to define at as rape or not? Meaning, if the woman in the situation above said "I feel violated, but I don't feel raped," is that enough to conclude that she then wasn't raped? I'm not sure if that works either, because so many women describe situations of forced sex that they would not themselves define as rape, but many others would.
So what do you think of the gray area? Does it exist? Do we need to separate the idea of rape from the idea of reporting to the police (meaning, is it better to define it as rape even if the survivor has no intention of pursuing any kind of arrest, as opposed to saying, "I would never try to have this person arrested for this, therefore it wasn't rape")? And is it important to get someone to define their experience as rape when they don't see it that way? Or is this gray area just another symptom of a culture that normalizes rape?
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