I've noticed recently that, among the many gendered aspects of our society, we have assigned different greetings to each gender. This is something I've often noticed without really thinking about. Men get to shake hands and women are expected to hug. Now, I'm not saying this applies everywhere, all the time. When I'm in a business situation, no one is confused when I make a point to shake their hand. However, in social situations, I seem to always be expected to hug people to greet them, while my boyfriend gets to shake hands.
In my opinion, there are two things going on here. For me, as a woman, the hug seems to represent my supposedly natural nurturing, friendly qualities. The men, on the other hand, are representing their natural strength and assertiveness. I'm assertive, yet more often than not I find myself getting folded into the arms of a guy (and I'm short so I always feel enclosed) as if he's being protective or something. And if I'm greeting a woman, I feel like I have to hug her to show that we are friends. I have plenty of friends whom I actually want to hug but I also know plenty of people that I don't want to hug. And it seems that when women don't hug the person they're greeting, they end up standing awkwardly and slightly waving. Why do I feel so comfortable shaking hands In the workplace but not at a bar? And why does it create such awkwardness when I don't hug someone? Are we made so uncomfortable by a woman not immediately expressing caring (and yes, mothering) qualities?
The other thing that's going on is homophobia. When men greet other men, they have to shake hands. If there is a hug involved, it comes after a handshake, usually with the clasped hands creating a barrier between them (we all know the bro hug). Just as women are kept from greeting others in an assertive "nice to meet/see you but I don't feel close enough to hug you" way, men are kept from expressing affection for each other. It's just so dumb! Is our society really that afraid of bonds between people who may be of the same sex/gender?
I'm really curious to try to change this and see what happens. If I shake the hands of my girl friends will they be offended, like I'm not showing the proper amount of female affection? Will my guy friends think I'm being pompous or stuck up? I think it's likely that people will see it as standoffish or unfriendly when coming from a woman. Because you know, women just love to hug everyone they know. We love to pull them to our bosom where we will one day pull our children.
That idea is just getting so old.
Hey Genie! Do you read www.iheartthreadbared.wordpress.com ? It's very in tune with issues of gender (and race) through the lens of pop culture. Also, have you read any Adrienne Rich or Kate Bornstein? They seem right up your alley. These are such great questions to ask- looking at the everyday ways that we all perform gender is so interesting. Hope you're doing well!
ReplyDeleteWhat about the pick-up hug where you get grabbed and lifted off of your feet. It would be interesting if guys were able to experience that for themselves. I have to imagine it can be pretty awkward for somebody to hug you then decide that because they are so much stronger than you that they are going to pick you up in the air, and more often than not spin you around in a circle. And if you think about it the guys who do this usually have had a beer or two as well. That makes it even more problematic for drunk men to be swinging women around the room.
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