For as long as I can remember, or at least since early high school, I've been telling people that I don't want to have children. I've been open and frank about it, yet the reactions I get are so amazing. Sometimes people are shocked. They don't understand how I expect life to be in any way fulfilling if I don't have children. Others laugh politely and tell me to just wait a few years; eventually that "natural" desire to mother will kick in. Others tell me I am being incredibly selfish. Almost no one just nods their head and says ok.
I've gotten pretty used to these reactions over the years but I also found that as I get older, people who have known me a while tend to be surprised that I haven't yet changed my mind. Most recently this happened with one of my best friends, and I was kind of hurt. We have always agreed that we want to marry later in life, after getting to live, and hopefully travel, on our own and get jobs that we like. We agreed on wanting to live for ourselves before getting married and having to live for a couple or group. And she always knew that I didn't want to have children, and I always knew that she was one of the few people who truly understood that I could be a human and a woman and not want to have kids.
Recently, this came up at dinner, and I made a comment about not having kids. She looked at me, all shocked and basically said, "I just don't get it, that's so weird. I mean I knew people in college who said that but they were just trying to be hippie and cool."
I couldn't believe it. Had she always thought that I was just trying to be cool and different? Had she just been humoring me?
I find it so interesting that people tell me I'm being selfish by wanting to live without kids. I think people who have children just because they need extra fulfillment or because they are trying to save a marriage or because they just think a mini version of them or their spouse would be so cute are the selfish ones. And I'm not saying that this applies to all or even most parents. But there are tons of people who have children for poorly thought out or selfish reasons. Just as not having children doesn't automatically make one selfish, having them doesn't automatically make one selfless.
No. I don't want to have to balance my life between raising kids and having a career. Yes I want to balance my life between a marriage, some form of social activity, and a career. Does that make me selfish? According to some. But there are a lot of women like me out there who want to remain childless, and the rest of society is alienating us by treating us as abnormal or subpar women. In the difficult times that we are having, we should be celebrating different lifestyles, not condemning them.
And I think every parent whose kid eventually has to get into a college or get a job should thank me for not bringing more competition into the world.
I totally get it. And honestly, the only way I would even consider having a child were if I could guarantee enough financial security to raise them properly with everything they ever wanted while still having financial security to live my life the way I choose.
ReplyDeleteI know that sounds selfish, but I am a firm believer that if a parent (or parents) don't have to stress over money so damn much (like how I was brought up), everyone is a little bit happier. Plus, I wouldn't want my kid to have to worry about paying for college the way I did and work themselves silly like I did.
It's a rational way of thinking instead of a hormonal one — at least according to me — and I stand by it.
I don't think that sounds selfish at all! People have gotten so used to the idea of "Parenthood is selfless" plus "Parenthood is the only way to be completely fulfilled" that opting out = selfish and empty and shallow. I say no thank you! People find life fulfilling in thousands of different ways. Just because they may come from a person alone doesn't mean that person is self-centered.
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