The M-Word

Recently, I was talking to a friend about legalizing gay marriage and she said something that absolutely blew my mind. "Marriage should only be something that churches grant. All couples should legally get civil unions."

Now that may sound revolutionary, because in a way it is. It changes the entire way we think about what marriage is. But, going back to the basics, marriage is a sacrament granted by the (Christian) church. It existed as a holy sacrament before it existed as a legal contract. If the word marriage had never entered into the legal realm, the gay marriage argument would be totally different (or wouldn't exist) today. After all, about eleven states recognize civil unions between same-sex couples already. If marriage as a religious institution had been historically kept separate from the legal institution, I think the problem with same-sex unions would be much smaller today. Most people who actively oppose same-sex marriage do so on the basis of religion, with the argument that "Marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman." But if we acknowledged marriage as purely a religious choice and nothing more, then this argument wouldn't stand, because you could choose marriage or not, and you could find a church that would perform your marriage. Same-sex couples wanting marriage could find an accepting church and priest that would perform their marriage (there are plenty out there); on the other hand, for any couples for whom religion is not important, the civil union side would provide all the legal rights and would simply exist outside of the church's recognition.

Would this solve all discrimination against homo-, bi- and transsexuals? Of course not. But it would go a long way toward true equality, in which all couples looking to start lives together would have the same life-joining choices before them.

Plus, this is very idealistic. There's no way to change the language that has existed in our country and in our constitutions for years upon years. And there's no easy way to change the cultural perception of what marriage is or is not, because it's based upon our cultural history that can't be erased.

I do think, however, that discussing our marriage equality issues in these terms can provide a new way of thinking about them. If we want true marriage equality in this country, it won't be just a matter of allowing marriage for same-sex couples. It will have to be by changing our perception of marriage and reevaluating how it works or doesn't work for all couples.

"It's My Day!": Weddings and Sexism

I have several problems with the cultural traditions and ideas surrounding weddings. I have a problem, as I've said in a post before, with engagement rings and the expectations of spending a specific, certain amount of money on them. I have a problem with the idea that a wedding has to be perfect (marriage sure as hell isn't going to be perfect; why should the wedding?). And I especially have a problem with the idea that the wedding is the bride's day, no matter what.

This bothers me on several levels. For one, women use the "my day" excuse to lose control, boss people around and stress everyone (themselves included) out. The first year of marriage is stressful. A wedding is stressful. By going into all of this with the belief that "It's my day and it must be perfect," is just adding more stress, plus the inevitability of something failing. Now, I'm not saying that all women turn into bridezillas; of course they don't. But I am saying that with our culture telling us it's OK to expect everyone to fall over backwards for us in order to achieve perfection, we are telling women that bridezilla-like behavior is acceptable when they are getting married.

But the idea that a wedding is the bride's day bothers me even more because it focuses on one person.
Forget for a moment the assumption that a wedding is a fairy tale princess day for every woman. Forget that it's about flowers, decorations, food, a band, and everything else. It is a wedding. At its most basic, it is a ceremony to celebrate a marriage. And a marriage simply can not happen with just a bride. You need a groom (or another bride, or two grooms, etc.). It is about the joining of two people. It's about the start of a journey, the start of a life. The wedding is not the culmination of months of planning, spending, crying, etc.; the wedding is the beginning.

So where is the groom in all of this? Why is it all about the bride? Because she's wearing a pretty dress that she'll never wear again? Because women are supposed to be emotionally excited about marriage and men aren't? In the same way that these cultural assumptions allow women to take on the ridiculous behavior of a bridezilla, they allow men to play the role of uninterested, aloof bachelors counting down the last days of their freedom. Until recently, I thought that the story of a groom showing up still drunk from the bachelor night at the strip club was just a movie plot device; not so! A woman I know recently told me about her wedding and that is exactly what happened! I couldn't believe this was real (and I couldn't believe she still married him, but I didn't say that out loud...). Why is it okay for men to care so little about this ceremony that women are supposed to care so much about (and why must women care so much when men get to care so little)? We, as a society, tell men that weddings and marriage are not something they need to be concerned with; if anything, it's something they have to put up with.

A lot of this ties back into gender assumptions that we have about men and women. We expect women to be faithful to one person; we tend to expect less from men, and therefore simply roll our eyes when men go off to strip clubs or to sleep with someone else before getting married. "Boys will be boys" our culture tells us. Meanwhile, the women are supposed to be dealing with flowers and dresses and cakes; you know, because that's what women love to do, and are good at. I, for one, can not imagine entering into a lifelong commitment to a person with these divisions from the very beginning. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Marriages are about people vowing to support each other. Marriage is not about boys being boys, or women being bitchy micro-managers. But this, as far as I can tell, is what our culture has made weddings into. With TV shows like Say Yes to the Dress and other wedding reality television, we are telling people that this is what they should aspire to when they find someone they love.

I don't know about you, but when I'm ready to commit to a marriage with one person for the rest of my life, I expect a little more.